what i learned in college

I’ve come to learn that my greatest fear in life is having diarrhea on the bus and my second greatest fear is sitting next to a person who has just had diarrhea on the bus.  Geesh. The smell of the other bus people has really been getting me down. I don’t know why the guys with face scabies always sit next to me. Am I some sort of magnet for social lepers?

Oh, I’m sorry—I temporarily forgot my manners. Please allow me to introduce myself: I’m society’s view of the stereotypical college girl. I am exactly the same as every other college girl in the nation. I sleep all day and party all night yet miraculously pull off a 4.0 GPA. Yeah! Know why? Because I’m the stereotypical college girl.

You look familiar; maybe we’ve had a class together? Are we Facebook friends?  Maybe we met at a party where we had an in-depth conversation about why I got the word ‘butterfly’ tattooed in Japanese on my lower pelvis.  (For the record, I believe it conveys personal strength by getting a tattoo that my parents aren’t aware of even though much of the student body is.)

I don’t work nor do I work out because what incentive is there for me to stay in shape when the guys I’m pursuing have standards that are lower than me and my roommate cumulative IQ? Well, lower than that one semester when I wasn’t screwing the T.A. anyway.

I don’t have too many (straight) male friends because I don’t get along very well with ex-boyfriends, which is what every man in my life either was or will soon become. I prefer the company of gay men, because I believe keeping them around makes me appear both social cocnious and temporary. Their the best accessory a girl could wish for, even more so than those little dogs you can carry around in your purse and dress up. Which, curiously enough, I also have, along with every other materialistic item ever sold.

Well, I better go…it’s almost time for “The Hills” to come on!


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