Go to the Mattresses

Obviously, you have never attempted to move a mattress by yourself. Obviously, people like you hire people like me to do things such as this.

It’s not that mattresses are inherently heavy…we’re talking issues of grip, balance, general awkwardness. Even with two people, the damn thing keeps collapsing on you. Mattresses don’t want to be moved. It’s completely against their nature. But you wouldn’t know that. You pay people to move your mattress for you. So I will tell you this in all sincerity: mattresses suck to move.

Let him that would move the world first move himself.

And they hurt when they’re dropped on you, I’ll bet. Why such violence on my part? I mean, I was sober. Violence is completely out of character for sober me. Confronted, I poured and poured over events in my past which may have triggered such reaction, repressed memories brought into immediate id-bliss upon the gleeful screams of primal Dionysian bloodlust…I envisioned your head exploding underneath your helmet, splattering downwards in an umbrella pattern of blueberry gore, chinstrap catching the top of your esophagus and slowly sliming its way to your kneefield like a slug on a saltslide…but why? Why, at that instant, did I hate you more than I hate existence itself?

And you don’t make anyone want to drop a mattress on you.


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