Revelations (2 of 7)

Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes.  There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Recently, I was fortunate enough to visit with a dear old friend of mine who was home on leave from the military.

One day I remarked to this individual (whose branch of service and name shall remain anonymous so as to avoid reprimand, unfair sanctions and just plain personal embarrassment) that they ought to iron out their ABUs; they were looking a bit unkempt.

Imagine my surprise when this young man had the audacity to reply, “I don’t how to iron.”

There are several fallacies I find with this argument.  Number one, how do you get through ANY military basic training/boot camp without knowing how to iron, starch and just generally square away your clothing?  Maybe it’s because I’m Mexican on my father’s side, but starching and ironing are almost instinctive to me.  Why white people do not understand the necessity and principles of starch application[1] is beyond me.

Secondly, even if somehow your rackmate is the Robert Downey, Jr. of Ironing (which was this guy’s story) still, YOU ARE A MAN!

Ok, I know what you’re thinking: wouldn’t it stand to reason that the average straight man, particularly aged 18-25,  know less about laundry than any other demographic?  But the way I see it, ironing is just the jerk off motion flipped on it’s side.  Ironing is just a horizontal interpretation on flogging the dolphin, waxing the pole, raising the flag, jerkn’ the gerkin… you get the idea.  If a man can masturbate, he can iron!

Guys, the jig is up.  Wrinkled clothes are neither manly or attractive.  You’re not in a fraternity anymore, and your apperance should reflect that.  I expect to see a lot more pressed seams in the near future…


[1] Use starch to add body to clothing and make the job of ironing a much easier task. It also improves clothing resistance to dirt (READ: Keeps your clothes cleaner longer!) and makes it easier on detergent to remove dirt during the wash cycle.  It’s basically the miracle potion of the laundry room.

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